A brief history of…

In light of recent events and also because Yellow would like someone to start contributing to the site on a more regular basis, I have decided to take some time out of my busy schedule of Tyra show reruns and eating bonbons to post.

A Brief History of Flaming.

“To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women.”

- Every flamer’s wet dream.

Flaming

(v)1. To engage in an online argument usually involving unfounded personal attacks by one or more parties.
(adj)2. To be blatantly homosexual in the stereotypical way.
(adj)3. To be on fire.

According to the interwubs the first flame war occurred over 100 years ago when the noted Roman statesman Cicero, called Marc Antony a fag. Marc Antony basically responded with a very long scroll about how he was totally not a fag, but didn’t care what Cicero said. This was then also the first example of being pwnd in Imperial Rome.

While we here at Majmar do not believe any history occurred between the fall of Rome and the internetz age, some ‘historians’ (newfags) have cited other examples of ‘historical’ (lame) flamewars. Most notably BlackPlaguer vs. Euro-Peons circa 1348; HornyKing vs. tehPope circa 1533; VirginiaGeorge vs AwesomeGBrit circa 1776; and 80sPrez vs. SpottedRusky circa 1987.

Today’s flaming generally occurs due to one or more of the following reasons;

• The poster is an idiot.

  (Typically a 13 year-old boy or a Canadian who pretends to know what he doesn’t know.)

• The poster is a Troll. (And not the kind that have silly hair and gems in their bellybuttons.)

• The poster is doing it for the lulz.(In this case it is not fail, but in fact quite Win)

• The poster thinks he/she is completely anonymous because they are hidden behind a computer screen and can therefore do whatever they want.

Any discussion forums on the internet are generally run much like the British House of Commons. Wherein the standard format of posting consists of;

#1 Person A presents a statement.

#2 Person B may then motion to call either Person A a fag or Person A’s mother a whore.

#3 Counter argument from Person A or Motion seconded by another user.

#4 Repeat until interest is lost or thread is locked.

Some Helpful Hints for Flaming

• Make things up about your opponent: It’s important to make your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word “clearly.” “Clearly, thatguy is a liar, and n00b.”

• Be an armchair psychologist: You’re a smart person. You’ve heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college. Clearly, you’re qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent. “Thatguy, by using the word ‘zucchini’ in his posting, shows he has a bad case of penis envy.”

• Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua franca of flaming. You should use the words “ad hominem” at least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases are “ad nauseam,” “veni, vidi, vici,” and “Fettuccini Alfredo.”

• Tell ‘em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to convince them you’re smart when all you have to do is tell them? State that you’re a member of Mensa or Dorks of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam since high school. “I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs, MCATs, and I can also spell the word ‘premeiotic’.”

• Remember; CAPS LOCK IS JUST CRUISE CONTROL FOR AWESOME.

• When in doubt, insult: At some point during your wonderful career as a flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with someone who is better than you. This person will expose your lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like a bozo. At this point, there’s only one thing to do: insult the them!!! “Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange things with vegetables.”